Mothers Wanted-Would you Apply?

Motherhood is something many women dream about from the time they are little girls.  For some it’s an aspiration and to others, believe it or not, it’s considered taking the easy and lazy route in life.  Motherhood is no easy task and in fact, can be considered the toughest job in the world.  If you were able to see a wanted ad for the job of motherhood, what might it look like?  Would you apply? 
LOOKING TO HIRE:
Looking for Stay At Home Mother to care for child/children.  Applicant will be expected to change numerous diapers, including those with explosive diarrhea.  Please note you might experience poop on your hands or any other part of your body at any given time, so appropriate dress and hand sanitizer is a must.  Hired mother will need to be organized, scheduling all activities for kids, including transportation.  Candidate is expected to be up to date on all happenings at school, as well as the most popular cartoon characters, and latest and greatest toys.  To ensure proper nutrition, the refrigerator and pantry must be stocked at all times, and all household supplies should always be available upon request, i.e. toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, diapers, laundry detergent, etc.  Job duties consist of providing all meals to children, which includes cooking and cleaning.  Please note that repetitive cleaning is a must; therefore expect to tidy up the same area at least 5 times a day, especially the kitchen and the playroom.  Applicant is expected to complete between 5-10 loads of laundry each week, including all folding and putting away activities.  As Chief Financial Officer of your home, you will need to pay all bills on time while sticking to a monthly budget.  Regarding your salary, there is none.  Compensation for this position will be $0 and there will be no vacation days or sick days allotted.  If you need to attend to personal matters, including doctor’s appointments, waxes, nails, working out, etc. please do it on your own time.  Please note there will be no time for your own time.  Hours are firmly set at 24/7/365.  Please expect your husband to tell you he is exhausted at the end of each day from working, especially when he entertains clients at 5 star restaurants, while consuming large amounts of alcohol.  Complaining that you are tired under any circumstance will not be tolerated.  Thank you for your interest in this position.
Wow…thinking of another career?  Who would want that job if they read about it?  To me, being a mother is the greatest job in the world, and like most jobs, it has its pros and cons.  Read the alternative job description below to see why over 80 million women in this country decided to apply and accept the job of motherhood.*LOOKING TO HIRE:

Looking for loving mother to help her child grow mentally, physically and emotionally.  The Mother we hire must have magical kisses that can heal all boo boos and take away tears.  Please be prepared to witness many “firsts” in this position, which can include but is not limited to first smile, first step, first day of pre-school, first word, etc.  An unlimited amount of tissues will be on hand for you during these amazing occasions.  Applicant is expected to be the best mom she can be, however since we are a realistic company, we know that every day cannot be the perfect day.  Our employees can take advantage of the “not so great mom award”, which can be used during a menstrual cycle, late night out with the girls, or any other reason you are not feeling your best.  These special days are confidential and no one will judge you for your less than stellar performance.  While we strive to have perfect employees, we realize that mothers are only human, so we ask that you not be too hard on yourself.  Each employee will be given their own Appreciation Day where she is allowed to pat herself on the back and recognize the stellar work she has completed as a mom.  If budgeting allows, hiring a sitter is not only suggested but expected so our moms can have some time to themselves and unwind.  As an added bonus to this position, applicants will be allowed to make their own schedules and decide how to structure the day.  Moms will be in charge of all activities and household decisions, which entitles them to be part of our “Happy Wife, Happy Life” club.  If you are not happy, neither is anyone else, and your happiness is our priority.   Company attire is extremely casual and brushing your teeth and hair is neither expected nor required, since we know your time is limited.   Please be aware and prepared to experience a feeling so warm and big when spending time with your child that there will be no words, and only a smile to express yourself.  Sometimes your husband might have to travel for his job which can be extremely positive.  Please note your house will remain extremely clean while your husband is away.  There will be no receipts, no cell phone, no cell phone chargers, no Blackberries or loose change to clean up, or suitcases to unpack and store.  When the day is over and your duty of bath time and bedtime is completed, be prepared to hear a strange sound in the house called silence.  We like to refer to it as “Quiet Time for Mommy” and it will be the time of day to look forward to.  You will be pleased to find out that you have complete control of the remote, as well as all of the blankets on the bed, one of the many benefits to having the house to yourself.  Upon your husband returning, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and pride that you were able to successfully run your home and care for your child/children on your own; duties that are not easy.  Thank you for your interest in your child’s life and we appreciate all the hard work that is ahead of you. 
Now it sounds pretty good, right?   As I mentioned, every job has its positive and negative aspects but if we stick with the positive and have a good attitude, Motherhood can be extremely rewarding.  In fact, one person’s con might be your pro…you never know.
Thanks for supporting Mommy Masters!
Ellie Hirsch
*U.S. Census Bureau