Not even sure where to start but today, I feel like the world’s worst mom. I know I am a great mom, but the pit inside my stomach and the vision of my son crying wondering where I was, is telling me otherwise.
I consider myself to be a very present mom and I am lucky and blessed I can be. I am that mom who waves to her kids until the bus is no longer in site, for fear they will think I didn’t care enough. I am that mom that spends way too much time finding just the right clip art for the notes I create for their lunch boxes. I am that mom that will run to the supermarket every day to ensure my kid’s favorite meals are produced upon request. I am that mom that shows up for every possible school event I am invited to, often to find not many others got the same memo. I am that mom….I am! Today… I am not, and it’s killing me.
I had written “Muffins with Mom” on my calendar weeks ago and even cancelled a doctor’s appointment so I was sure to be there to support my two year old at his pre-school. When I dropped him off this morning, I said my goodbyes and went about my day. A few hours later, when another mom I had run into told me she was upset she got to school too late to enjoy the event, my heart sank. OH MY G-D…I FORGOT ABOUT MUFFINS WITH MOM! I felt like someone had kicked me in my stomach.
“Was my son looking for me?” “Was he the only kid without a parent?” “Was he crying?” “What did the teacher think?” “I have disappointed my son and myself.” “I am such an idiot.” “How could I have not been there”? These were the thoughts swirling around in my head. Today, I did not master motherhood…I failed and it hurt.
I am a slave to my giant desk calendar. If I don’t look at it every night, I am clueless as to what my next day looks like. It’s not that I forgot to go because I was looking forward to attending and wrote it down. I just didn’t realize that day was TODAY!
My son is too young to understand or be upset with me, but I am upset with me. When I picked him up and told people I had forgotten about it, I was hoping to hear comments like, “it’s okay, you do so much” or “don’t worry about it…there were kids without parents there”. Instead I got, “YOU? That is so unlike you” and “uh…yah…Spencer was crying”. Really? Really? As if I wasnt beating myself up enough. I don’t know why I felt the need to share my failure but I just wanted a mom to relate to me and tell me my mistake wasn’t a big deal even though it was a big deal to me.
When I told my husband what I did or rather what I didn’t do, he was upset for me because he knows how much I thrive on being present and sharing these special moments with my kids. I robbed my son of his beautiful big smile he would have had if I had walked through the door like I was supposed to. I also robbed myself of witnessing that moment and creating a memory to forever be remembered.
I was so nervous to pick up my son but when he saw me, the giant smile on his face proved that he was happy to see me and did not remember I had caused him to be sad only a few hours earlier.
I know what you are thinking. “Get over it”, and I will…but for today, I need to sulk, be angry with myself and feel that pit in my stomach that won’t seem to let up.
I tell moms all the time that not every day is going to be a perfect parenting day, so pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again tomorrow. Now I need to practice what I preach. We are allowed to make mistakes because no parent is perfect, and that includes me.
In my mind, today I failed at motherhood, but tomorrow, I plan on mastering it! I am sharing this story with you because as moms, we should never feel alone. If we know other moms experience bad days, it helps us get over ours and makes us feel human.
Please share with Mommy Masters a miserable mommy moment you experienced because…
TOGETHER WE CAN MASTER MOTHERHOOD!™