24 Hours of Thoughts from a Mom:

I don’t know about you, but I have a constant string of random thoughts running through my brain at all times.  Sometimes I wish there was a mute button for all my opinions, impressions, ideas, conclusions, judgments, feelings and theories, but…there’s not.  Before my brain explodes, I “thought” I would share with all of you:

  • Where are my keys?
  • Didn’t I just clean that?
  • If I press the start button on my dryer for the 5th time, will my laundry fold itself?
  • Where is my phone?
  • I can’t wait for school to start.
  • I miss my kids.
  • I am an amazing mother.
  • I am not an amazing mother.
  • Is there a rewind button for today?
  • How many times can I say “stop it”?
  • How many pieces of candy can they eat today?
  • Who cares, I wish I could still eat that much candy.
  • I think I may check myself into a mental hospital.
  • I really want a fourth.
  • If one more person asks if I am trying for a girl, I will explode.
  • Is my husband ever coming home from his travels?
  • I have a husband?
  • Is my ass really as big as my kids say it is?
  • I could use a piece of chocolate.
  • Why aren’t any of my pants fitting me?
  • Yay, I feel skinny today.
  • I cannot remember the last time I shaved my legs.
  • Is this grey hair or blonde hair?
  • We will go with blonde.
  • I am so tired.
  • I can’t sleep!
  • Should I organize the fridge or pantry?
  • Hi, my name is Ellie and I am addicted to de-cluttering.
  • I so don’t understand hoarders.
  • I think I am a good wife, right?
  • I need to give it up more.
  • I cannot wait until Friday.
  • I cannot wait until Monday.
  • What happened to good old sick days?
  • I have the hardest job in the world.
  • I have the best job in the world.
  • Do I talk to myself too much?
  • Homework is so annoying.
  • Homework is important.
  • Am I smarter than a 2nd grader? Apparently not.
  • Where did I put my cell phone?
  • What happened to my flat stomach?
  • I am craving a piece of pizza.
  • Whoever invented bathing suits is not my friend.
  • Spanx, you are my BFF.
  • I am jealous my kids can eat an entire bag of Doritos and not gain five pounds.
  • Why do I have bags under my eyes?
  • Is it really necessary for me to stay up until midnight watching The Real Housewives? Yes.
  • I love you Bravo TV!
  • Why can’t I remember anything?
  • Why did I walk in the pantry?
  • According to the commercial, I definitely have Alzheimer’s.
  • Who knew hair bands made great button extenders?
  • Where the hell are all my hair bands?
  • Does anyone else have these random thoughts?
  • I talk to myself way too much.
  • Did she really just say that?
  • I am a Mommy Master.
  • I am a mommy disaster.
  • I love the way my kids smell.
  • Ew, what is that horrid smell?
  • My house might just explode one day from the amount of farts produced on a daily basis.
  • Farts will always be funny.
  • I have given up on keeping my car clean.
  • I forgot what it feels like to read a book.
  • If I step on one more tiny Lego piece, I am going to explode.
  • OUCH! Mother Fu$%#@^@er!
  • How many dishes can one person clean in a day?
  • I would love a personal chef.
  • I would love a personal trainer.
  • I would love to sit in bed and watch a Lifetime movie.
  • How hard is it to signal people?
  • A quiet house is the most amazing thing in the world.
  • It’s too quiet in here.
  • I am lonely.
  • I hate stupid people.
  • If you can’t make me laugh, you’re boring.
  • Why is my purse a giant black hole that swallows everything I need to find?
  • Will I ever be able to sneeze without peeing?
  • I would never eat the lunchbox I just packed for my child.
  • I hate when my kids don’t eat their lunch.
  • I wish I could feed every hungry person in the world.
  • My dog takes way too many craps in one day and the same goes for my kids.
  • I will pick that up later.
  • Did I just step in dog poop…again? G-d dammit!
  • Will my to-do list ever get done?
  • Nah, I’ll do that tomorrow.
  • Why do I have a hair growing on my chin?
  • I love playing with the hair growing on my chin.
  • I dare someone to piss me off today!
  • Yah I honk, so what?
  • There are too many penises in my house!
  • How many times can I say “stop it”?
  • Does anyone hear anything I am saying?
  • Hello?  Anyone? Are you there G-d, it’s me Margaret.
  • I wonder if anyone can tell I haven’t washed my hair in six days.
  • Dry shampoo is my hero!
  • Does anyone replace the g-d damn toilet paper in this house?
  • Why am I obsessed with jail shows?
  • How hard is it to aim in the toilet instead of on the seat, the wall and the floor?
  • Why do the hours feel like minutes, which feel like seconds?
  • I feel old.
  • Do I look old?
  • Does anyone appreciate me?
  • I could so use a massage.
  • Crap, I forgot my phone.
  • Where are hell are my keys?
  • My house would fall apart without me!
  • I love my life!

At this point, you are either thinking I am nuts or just like you!  Either way, these thoughts that drive me insane, actually keep me sane.

TOGETHER WE CAN MASTER MOTHERHOOD!™

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