Mommy Master or Mommy Monster?

enraged-804311_640This piece is a warning for anyone who comes in contact with me during a few specific days a month, every month. No idea what I am talking about? Think people…think. Yep, you got it, once a month I turn from The Mommy Master™ into The Mommy Monster! That’s 36 days of torture for me to endure every year, and oh yeah, for my family to deal with as well.

I have come to the conclusion that it is only fair to inform you and a good idea to educate you about this bizarre and psychotic affliction. As my kids and husband will tell you, it is not pretty. Even I can’t stand to be near myself during my pre-menstral mania, but don’t tell The Mommy Monster that…I am afraid of her and YOU SHOULD BE TOO!

I have complied a list of symptoms in case any of you moms out there are suffering from the same ailment, but unsure of what it is…until now. I will warn you, (lots of warnings here), this list is scary and not easy to accept, but my hope is you will stop blaming yourself, stop believing you are insane (no matter what anyone else has stated) and know you are not alone.

  • The feeling that you could rip off someone’s head, every minute of every day.
  • The belief that you could breath fire and shoot darts out of your eyes but are too afraid to test it out.
  • The lack of envisioning freaking out and screaming at the top of your lungs and the reality of actually doing it to anyone and everyone in your path.
  • You may be inclined to slam on the breaks, go from 40mph to 0mph in .2 seconds, turn around and tell your kids in a demonic voice who are fighting in the back seat to “JUST SHUT UP”, sending everyone and everything into a forward jolt, including your drink, which is now EVERYWHERE.
  • The strong need to throw things to express your disdain of parenting.
  • You could often find yourself talking to yourself, but she doesn’t want to listen to your whining anymore either.
  • Your children could find you huddled on the floor of your closet with the lights off, sobbing and blowing your nose into a pair of your husband’s boxer shorts, which were conveniently left on the floor.
  • Your children might be inclined to call 911 and CPS while they lock you in a room.
  • Upon your husband asking you if you are getting your period due to your irritable behavior, you may have thoughts as to how you will adjust to the prison food, tight spaces and communal showers.
  • The need to explain to your kids why you are acting so strangely, only to hear “what’s for dinner” as a response, causing your head to explode.
  • The feeling that you could seriously be guilty of murder in the next five minutes as you witness your husband watching television while your kids are still unbathed, homework is unfinished, laundry is unfolded and kitchen is a disaster.

If this sounds like you, you could be a Mommy Monster…or just deranged….really it’s the same thing. The good news is these symptoms are temporary and will not return for another four whole weeks.

Do I feel I owe my husband and kids an apology for my Jekyll and Hyde behavior? Hmm…let me think for a millisecond…NO. I mean don’t get me wrong, I feel terrible but I am not in control here, The Monster is and I really mean that. I can’t help I share her body, her mind and her soul. I wish she would bother someone else for a few days but she continues to choose me. Listen up people, PMS and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) are real things!  Just ask my husband.

DO NOT suffer alone any longer! Mommy Monsters have to join forces and get through these few harrowing days we experience every month, together. We will prevail, even if it means no one in our house likes us very much anymore. 🙂

TOGETHER WE CAN MASTER MOTHERHOOD™….and Monsterhood!